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04 October 2010 @ 10:20 pm
a thought,  
sometimes i get these feelings, like i should know what to say. what to think and how to feel. it strikes me in an instant that the people around me are so sure of the things they know and want and here i am, barely able to do the doggy paddle while the undertow is sucking me down. over and over i fight against the overwhelming feeling that i'm not good enough, i'm not funny enough, smart enough, enough enough. nothing is ever enough for me and all the praise in the world, all the compliments couldn't change it. sometimes i think it's because subconciously i don't want to change, but the reality of it is.. i do, i wish i could be confident and all smiles and unicorns but that's not how things get to work. someone said to me recently, "you're always so happy," but i think the problem is that we always just see whats on the outside. a person can appear to be the happiest individual alive, but on the inside they're melting down.. lurching from crisis to crisis. and and and no one ever wants to hear or see those things that make us fall apart. they spew their talk to me about it's and throw around the i'll listen's like they're meaningless. but when it really comes down to the moment when you need someone who cares enough to listen and not say a thing, to not judge and to whole heartedly support you -- everyone is mysteriously unavailable, emotionally and physically, to deal with your shit. shit, thats what it is. our shit. i think we degrade our feelings and emotions so much to the point where it's just a bunch of shit that no one cares about, it doesn't matter because if you feel a fucking thing you're just an emotional waste of space. and then.. and then you shut everything off, build your stupid walls and surround yourself with a moat and guards and an army of personality traits to throw people off the scent of fear and self-loathing and panic that everything becomes numb in a heartbeat. you smile and look happy on the outside, while inside you're quietly torturing yourself. you start to believe the way you act because that's the only thing you can really feel. those personality traits, your laughter and your smile and the way you talk about people and your friends, if thats what you can really call them anymore.. those people who said they'd be there, who are definitely not when it matters most. those personality traits like how you shut down when someone asks you a question that hits too close to home. those instances, like how you find yourself staring at the one person who makes you smile anymore. and when they catch you, oh god, and you just want to die because suddenly its like they can see some part of you that you'd carefully hidden away in a back coat closet. or... when they can sense how you feel, how you want and know and the numbness, they can see it in the way you look at them and the words you spew -- it frightens and you don't know whether to shut down or keep talking. implode or explode.

..but maybe i'm just another emo hag.
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